Easier to Run
by Merusa
Summary: songfic to Linkin Park's "Easier to Run". Harry fights a battle within himself after Hagrid's death.


"Easier to Run"  
  
*It's easier to run*  
  
Harry watched as Hagrid's limp body fell to the ground. He felt numb. He had to feel numb. It was the only way for him to go on.  
  
*Replacing this pain with something numb  
  
It's so much easier to go  
  
Than face all this pain here all alone*  
  
He ran to the friendly half-giant, who was smiling, even in the beyond. Harry ignored the Death Eater who Port-keyed away from the Hogwarts grounds, laughing, the Dementor along with him. All he cared about was the fact that another life had been lost because of him.  
  
He was dimly aware of the fact that Hagrid's body had been taken away. He stood up and followed numbly, feeling it all crash in on him in waves of pain. Something horrible, something he did want to acknowledge, was fighting to get out. He was tired, he was emotionally exhausted. He was hurt. The man who had done so much for him was gone....and it was his fault.  
  
*Something has been taken from deep inside of me  
  
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see*  
  
He ran. He just ran away, and collapsed next to a tree near the lake. They let him run. He knew his friends would be worried about him, but he didn't care. He waited for the numbness he had come to associate with loss to fill him.  
  
It didn't.  
  
*Wounds so deep they never show they never go away  
  
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played*  
  
Pictures moved through his head, taunting him. His parents, his mother, gone, because of him....Cedric, gone, Peter, taken by greed, Voldemort, back, all because of him. He deserved the guilt he felt, he knew he did. He'd carry it his whole life if he had too. His friends would try and help, but they couldn't. There were places inside of him that couldn't be touched. Some emptiness would be filled, but it would never be gone.  
  
*(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)  
  
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)  
  
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)  
  
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)  
  
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)  
  
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)  
  
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)  
  
(I would take all my shame to the grave)*  
  
Realizing that he was losing the battle, he shut his eyes tightly, trying vainly to lose the images of Hagrid that assaulted his mind. Hagrid, laughing, Hagrid, cooking, Hagrid in that bowtie, Hagrid with Buckbeak, Hagrid blushing at letters from Madame Maxine. Hagrid...  
  
He choked on a sob. He wasn't used to loss like this. He'd lost his parents long ago; long enough for the grief to have never truly taken him, but nothing like this.  
  
*Replacing this pain with something more  
  
It's so much easier to go  
  
Than face all this pain here all alone*  
  
He began to run again, around the lake to a spot near the Forbidden Forest. He ran with all his might, trying to escape the pain.  
  
*Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past  
  
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have  
  
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back  
  
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past*  
  
He wanted to let go. He wanted his parents, he wanted Hagrid to come back saying it had been a joke, he wanted Sirius to be free, he wanted Peter to have stayed good, he wanted the shades of grey he saw in people to disappear, he wanted.....everything. He just wanted things differently. He wanted a world where he could be a normal fifteen-year-old, not a fifteen- year-old with shadows in his eyes and wounds in his soul.  
  
And he hated it.  
  
*(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)  
  
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)  
  
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)  
  
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)  
  
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)  
  
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)  
  
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)  
  
(I would take all my shame to the grave)  
  
Just washing it aside  
  
All of the helplessness inside  
  
Pretending I don't feel misplaced  
  
It's so much simpler than change*  
  
He wanted change, but part of him didn't. He was scared that he'd lose everything. The more that occurred to him, the more he hate himself, the more that he had to fight the evil that had begun to grip his world once more. He fought the emotions, needing to go back, needing for it all to stop. He wanted the numbness of not feeling anything back, the numbness he'd depended on since he'd returned to the magical world mid-summer.  
  
*It's easier to run  
  
Replacing this pain with something more  
  
It's so much easier to go  
  
Than face all this pain here all alone*  
  
He struggled to get a grip on himself. He felt the numbness settling in, fragile, protecting against most but not against the memories of Hagrid that would become unbearably profound once he returned to the castle.  
  
His choked tears stopped.  
  
*It's easier to run  
  
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)  
  
(Retrace every wrong move that I made)  
  
It's easier to go  
  
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)  
  
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)  
  
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)  
  
(I would take all my shame to the grave)*  
  
He knew he'd face all his demons one day, he needed to.  
  
But for now, it was easier to run.  
  
***  
  
A/N: Lyrics by Linkin Park. 


End file.
